To my soon to be adult child(ren)

You are a teenager on the edge of independence, almost ready to leave the comfort and safety of the nest. You can see the freedom of the world outside and long to enjoy all life has to offer.

To you, my protection has sometimes felt like a straight jacket, because you can’t feel my arms in the sleeves hugging you. You don’t see the detours I know are there. You don’t have the wisdom of my years of life experience to warn you of dangers around the corner.

I know because of the unique challenges our family has faced, you are much wiser than your years. But you are still young, and that emotional maturity cannot replace life experience.

I challenge you, as you prepare to make your own way in the world, to remember these 5 things:

1. Everyone has something to offer.

No matter how young or old, everyone has had some experience that you haven’t. They can offer you a different perspective on life or share a unique tidbit of wisdom that nobody else can. It could be the innocent view of a child, untouched by a cynical world, or the calm patience of someone who has learned to stop and savor each moment.

2. Choose your friends wisely.

You can be friendly without getting too close. Don’t trust until you know someone is trustworthy. Don’t follow the crowd because it’s easier than making your own decision. Make sure your friends are a good influence on you, and you are a good influence on them.

3. Don’t give too much of yourself.

It is important to be a good friend and to give back to society. Just be sure you don’t give to the point that there is nothing left. Protecting yourself from harm is just as important as giving and doing good. If you can’t function, how will you be able to serve others?

4. Do what brings you joy and peace.

Do you enjoy drawing? Then grab your sketch pad a few times a week and get lost in the art. Does music calm you or lift you up? Make sure to take a few minutes every day to listen to some favorite songs. Whether your passion lies in animals, dancing, baking, or playing an instrument or a sport, make time for it regularly. This is what takes you from being alive to really living.

5. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

The only stupid question is the one that you already know the answer. It is easier to ask or answer a question than to fix a mistake. If someone thinks less of you because you asked, they are the one with the problem. Know that they are not wise enough to help you learn, and move on. Never lose your thirst for knowledge.

I can see you becoming a fine young adult with a faith and compassion that are not common in our world. I love you and am beyond proud to have had a hand in shaping who you are. You are a precious child of God and many, many people care about you.

Don’t ever lose the spark that makes you uniquely you.

Photo credit http://elderberry.blogspot.com

Advertisements

To my son’s first girlfriend 

I wasn’t ready for you. I was just getting used to him driving and working. He’s not even close to being independent. I know that is supposed to be the goal, but deep down I have to admit I don’t want it. 

I have always told my kids they are growing too fast. I imagine most parents feel that way. Those feeling are purely selfish. The goal of every young person is to have the freedom of being independent, even if they don’t understand the responsibility that comes with it. 

He seems to think I don’t like you. That’s not the case at all. I don’t know you very well, but what I know is a sweet, likable girl who happened to catch the eye of my first baby. That is hard for me to swallow. 

 

Wasn’t this just last week?

 
My job as a mother is to protect and nurture my kids, and teach them to be responsible, caring adults who love God and family. So far I think I’ve managed to do that, even if my ways are not the most conventional. Yes, things have happened that were beyond our control, but I was there to pick up the pieces when our world was turned upside down. 

Of course, I want to guard my son’s heart. It’s only natural. It’s hard for me to let go and allow him to make his own choices. I’m trying very hard to offer advice without telling him what to do.

I’m glad he is comfortable enough with me to talk about you in ways most teens wouldn’t share with their parents. He knows I won’t judge or jump to conclusions. He also sees the value of lessons I learned by making bad choices when I was young. 

I hope I have a chance to spend time with you soon, just the two of us. I would like to get to know you myself, instead of just hearing what he thinks of you (which seems to be all good, by the way). If you’re lucky I may tell you some of the cute things he did when he was little. I may even show you some of those embarrassing pictures every parent seems to have. 

I parent, you parent, we all scream at our kids

No two parents have the same style. They shouldn’t. What works for me isn’t going to work for everyone. I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open. My kids know they can come to me with anything and I won’t yell or have a knee jerk reaction. I may not be happy, but I always try to get the facts before getting upset. The more severe the offense, the more time I take deciding how to handle the situation.

I am also open with them about my past, in the hopes they won’t repeat my mistakes, but learn from them. I make a point to try and adjust the things my parents did with me that clashed with my personality. If one technique doesn’t work I don’t keep beating the dead horse, I try a mule. Or a carrier pigeon. Or…you get the picture.

kids5

My favorite picture

I have friends that take a quite different approach. They manage the details of their kids’ activities, monitor their social media, keep a tight rein on their schedule and do their best to keep them away from bad influences. That works for them. It would never work for me.

With all the medical and emotional challenges we face, I don’t have time or energy to micromanage my children’s lives. I trust that I taught them well enough they can be responsible. I have gradually given them more autonomy, remembering how I was when I no longer had my parents watching my every move. I don’t want my kids to suddenly have freedom without the experience and judgment to handle it.

If you have teens, do you trust them? It will only be a few short years before they have to make their own decisions. Will they be ready? If you aren’t sure, it might be time to ask them some tough questions. Questions about sex, drugs, alcohol, choosing friends, being responsible with their time and money, all those things that teens and adults face.

Do your children confide in you? Do they know it is safe? Are you sure your teens feel they can talk to you about whenever is on their mind, without you judging them or dismissing it as trivial teen drama? Do their friends see you as an adult they can trust?

I’m not so naive as to think my kids are perfect. I know there are things they keep from me. I spend plenty of time praying that God helps them through the consequences of their choices.

But they know I am safe. Their friends know I am safe. They can call me in the middle of the night for a ride home without the Spanish Inquisition on the way home. They can confide in me when they aren’t sure how to handle something their friends have shared. And I keep their (and those friends’) secrets, unless it is something I absolutely believe the parent needs to know. If that happens, I discuss it with my kids before I go to the parents, so they understand why I have to break that confidence. They usually agree with my decision.

I encourage you to ask your kids, wherever their age, some open ended questions and then listen to the answers. Really listen. Don’t judge, don’t try to tell them why they are wrong, don’t jump to conclusions or tell them how they should feel. Ask. Listen. Love them for who they are. Let them see your humanity and imperfections.

And above all make sure they know you are safe. Nobody should be afraid of their parents.

Tolerance? No thank you.

I hear people talk about tolerance all the time. We should be tolerant of differences. We should tolerate other races, religions, body types, abilities, lifestyles, etc. Well I don’t want to tolerate these things. I want to embrace them. These differences are what make us unique. Interesting. Human.

Do I wish everyone believed in Christ? Of course. But if they don’t I love them anyway. Do I wish people treated all races equally? Absolutely. I was raised colorblind and wish the world could operate under that paradigm. Do I think others should be accepted even if we don’t share or agree with their lifestyle choices? Yes. In spite of my feelings about their choices, it is not my place to judge. I am called to show them God’s love. I wish the things that divided us were not things that cause so much hatred and fear. I wish our worst arguments were about which baseball team was the best, or whether we liked the ending of a certain movie, or who should have won The Voice.

I have to admit, though, there are some things I cannot tolerate. I also must confess I used to do some of those things. Things like racism. Bigotry. Hatred of someone you don’t understand. Judgment of choices that don’t align with your beliefs. Condemnation of someone whose struggle isn’t apparent at first glance. Pushing your agenda on someone else. I try not to do these things and ask if you see me doing them, call me out on it. Preferably privately and tactfully.

I know I have a certain naïveté that others may not like. Some may think I am too trusting, or unaware of the struggles of those who don’t share my privilege. That’s ok. I probably have struggles they aren’t aware of. That doesn’t mean we automatically have to take sides. I am not “for” or “against” any group of people just because they belong to that group. Ok, maybe there are one or two groups that I hate what they stand for. But I don’t hate someone for who they are, especially if it is not something they can help. And that’s all I ask of others. Accept me for the creative, impulsive, melancholy, socially challenged, single mother and sports fan that I am. No judgment, no hatred. Hugs optional.

Almost a man

Almost 18, working and going to school, driving, shaving and girl watching. Video games when he has time, doctor appointments more often than a kid should have to endure. My son is one of the strongest people I know. He lives with chronic pain and never complains. We only know he is hurting when he asks for help, then we know it is bad. He is compassionate, follows his convictions and gives of himself when he can. Making friends easily, showing respect, and watching out for his younger sister, he is an inspiration to anyone that gets to know him. Now if we could just get him to quit bothering the cat…

Not a recent photo

wil2